A couple of months ago, I was asked by a dear friend to speak at a homeschool meeting about "Homeschooling Through Life's Transitions." I really resisted at first. I assured her that I was too busy, and really I didn't have much to share anyway. She fired me back an e-mail with a list of the "transitions" her committee had discussed when they were planning the meeting - changing jobs, moving, transitioning from home-school to school, grief, new baby in the home - and I did a double take. All of those had happened in the past year and a half of my life. I felt a conviction that I really should do this, but still I resisted. I talked to my husband about it, and he really thought I should do it, but still I resisted. I wasn't even sure I would be able to make it to the meeting but I told my friend I would try to write out some answers to the questions she had for me and then I procrastinated. Finally, one day, I began to think about what I would say, and I felt the words coming, along with a desire to share my story. As I began to write my story down, it felt truly therapeutic.
Tonight, at the meeting I spoke from my heart and I was humbled to hear afterwards from people who thanked me for sharing and told me how I had encouraged them. Really, I think God wanted me to do this difficult thing because He knew I needed to. As I drove home from the meeting I knew that I had more to say and that I needed to get back to blogging and to journaling. He used this evening to unstop the cork that I've been using to bottle up my thoughts, fears and emotions about the past year. I hope to post an entry about the healing process that I have gone through over the past year because it truly is amazing to look back and see how God's hand carried me through what has without a doubt been the most difficult year of my life. But for now, I will just share what I shared with a group of homeschooling parents tonight.
Explain briefly the major life changes that have taken place in your family in the last 2 years. In September of 2010, my oldest child went back to school after being homeschooled for 4 years. Although I felt God’s peace about our decision and I knew that Evan was going to a great school, I still wept when I dropped him off on the first day of school. I’m pretty sure I was the only middle school parent crying in the parking lot! Four weeks after he started school, I started a new job, teaching a kindergarten/grade 1 class one morning a week for RCOA, the school I am enrolled with. The same week I started my new job, we found out that my Dad’s cancer had returned and he would need to undergo radiation. We also found out that we had been chosen by a birthmom in Florida to be the parents of a baby that was due in November! Talk about roller coaster emotions!!
Our precious daughter was born on November 7, 2010, 10 days earlier than the planned c-section that we were supposed to be in Florida for. So, while I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off, frantically packing and praying, my amazing husband rescheduled our flights and hotel, and drove me to Seattle to catch the first available plane so that I could meet our little blessing before she was 24 hours old. We named our daughter Faith, because it was such a journey of faith that led us to adopting in the first place and because of one of my favourite verses, which I have often clung to during times of uncertainty in my life: Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” We spent a wonderful 10 days getting to know our little girl, while we waited for the paperwork to be ready to allow us to bring her home. Then we enjoyed a peaceful month, bonding and adjusting to being a family of 6. When Faith was 6 weeks old, we received the news that my Dad’s cancer had spread throughout his body and the doctors were going to stop his radiation treatments. The next 3 months were a blur really. We drove back and forth over the Coquihalla Highway to Armstrong so many times I could do it with my eyes closed. We spent countless hours sitting with Dad, in the hospital, at home, or in the hospice house.
He died on March 7 2011. Faith was exactly four months old. Our family spent the following months grieving and trying to restore some semblance of order and routine to our lives. As the executor of Dad’s will, I had plenty to keep my mind occupied as I dealt with all the details of his estate.
I’m still not sure what made us think this was a good idea, but eight months later, I found myself packing up the house we had lived in for eight years, getting ready to move. The move went well and we are thankful to be in a bigger house, with more space for our family, but it all happened very quickly and was quite stressful for me.
When did it really hit you that things were out of your control?When we received the call that Faith’s birthmom had gone into labour early and all our carefully laid plans started to unravel, I knew that I was in way over my head. The way everything worked out though, I knew that God had us all in the palm of His hand and I was so thankful that I could trust Him. Obviously, this is easier when good things are happening.
When my Dad was dying, I really struggled with questions of “Where are you in this Lord?” My Dad was not a believer and I really hoped and prayed that God would heal Dad and in that, he would put his faith in God. I felt totally overwhelmed by all that was happening and how quickly it all came about. In those moments and days, we just put one foot in front of the other and I definitely felt out of control. In looking back now I can see how God was carrying me through, but it’s obviously easier in retrospect than when you’re in the middle of great difficulty.
What was your natural reaction?Because we’ve been through stressful times in our marriage before, I knew that I could rely on my husband, Ryan, and he really was a rock during that traumatic time of my Dad’s illness and death. However, I also knew from past experience that I couldn’t put all the pressure on Ryan, because he is only human, and he needs support too. Together we cried out to God and reached out to our friends to ask for prayer and support.
How did you find God during this time?God really did use His people to bless us, during Faith’s adoption and also my Dad’s illness. He also used music at several key times throughout that year to lift me out of the depths and remind me of His love for me. The song
"Blessings" by Laura Story still makes me cry. I first heard it at a really pivotal moment when I was doubting everything I believe and that song was such a revelation to me that God is real and loves me no matter how horrible my circumstances seem in that moment.
How did this all impact your homeschooling approach?I am thankful that my support teacher has been very gracious and understanding as these transitions have come in our family. I have had to let go of my plans of how things are going to go and do my best with open hands, trusting that God is in control and that He will bring us through this and my kids will learn something about life, grief and joy.
Did your immediate family grow closer together or apart during this time?Although it put some strain on our family relationships because we were tired and out of our routine so much, the time we spent with my Dad when he was sick, really brought our family closer together. We were unified in our love for him and our desire to be there to support him. My husband was a rock in the storm for me, allowing me to cry on his shoulder whenever I needed, and picking up the slack around the house. Our kids were especially gracious with me, giving me extra hugs and encouraging words. They became comfortable with my tears and we talked a lot about how it is ok to cry when you feel sad. As a whole extended family (my brother and step-brother and their wives and kids, as well as my step mother) we all bonded with Faith during this time. My son said to me at one time that we should have named her Joy instead because she really did bring us all so much joy. She was such a happy, easy-going baby and she loved to grin at everyone. Even amidst our tears, no one could help but smile at the big toothless grins of an innocent baby.
What suggestions do you have for us about ways to support and encourage those
we know who are going through hardships and unexpected changes? I know that I have struggled in the past with not knowing what to say when someone has had a death in the family and I felt like there were some people in my life who reacted that way when Dad died. They weren’t sure what to say or do so they didn’t do anything. I really appreciated the people who just let me know they cared, with an encouraging e-mail or phone call, or a hug when they saw me, asking how I was doing and not running away when I started to cry. Knowing that so many people were praying for us is what got me through the hardest times.
Practical help like food and childcare was important too. When my brother and stepbrother and I were all at Dad’s house with our families (11 kids in total) in the week before the funeral, several of Dad’s friends brought us food or ordered food to be delivered to us. That was the most amazing thing because there were so many of us in the house, but no one really had it in them at that time, to organize meals or grocery shop.
