My dear son brings me joy in so many ways. He is creative and spontaneous, funny and snuggly, generous and a deep thinker. But he also drives us crazy on a daily basis because of many of those same qualities. One of the issues we face with Evan is forgetfulness and distraction. He is forever losing things, leaving things half-done, forgetting instructions because he got distracted with something else. This morning he was rushed getting ready for school because he got distracted. He did manage to make his lunch, but after he left for school, I went into the kitchen and found his sandwich on the counter. I had a fierce internal debate about whether to bring him the sandwich or not. It went something like this:
"I have so much to do this morning and company coming over this afternoon. It is a real inconvenience to go to the school."
"But really, the school's not that far away. It would only take me a few minutes."
"Natural consequences are the best way for him to learn."
"Isn't it kind of harsh to make him go without food?"
"He'll have the snacks he packed and someone will probably share with him. He's shared his lunch plenty of times with friends who forgot their lunch."
"But how will he learn to honour the rest of us, if I don't teach him to honour, by doing something special for him?"
"He's always forgetting things and I can't keep enabling him. He needs to learn to be more responsible."
This went on for quite some time before I phoned my husband and asked him what he thought. He listened to me rant and was quiet as I concluded that Evan would definitely learn more if I didn't bring the sandwich, and then told me that if it was up to him, he would bring it to school for Evan. So I debated with myself again before turning to my dear counselor, Facebook! In surveying my friends, I got all the same answers I had given myself. There were several in the natural consequences camp and others who wanted to make sure I didn't starve my poor child. I enjoyed reading everyone's feedback, but I still wasn't sure what to do.
The thing is that I am naturally a Pharisee. I like there to be rules and I like it when people (especially my kids) obey them. I feel that all is right with the world when there are consequences for those who disobey the rules and rewards for those who are "good." I have a strong sense of justice. Of course I like to receive mercy myself when i mess up. Fortunately I am married to a man who is full of grace and mercy and he sets an example for me daily. The Lord has been doing a work in my heart ever since I became a parent I think, but especially over the past couple of years. He has been showing me his heart for me and for all of His children (including my young ones.)
I have been doing a study of the book of Ephesians with a wonderful group of women for the last 12 weeks. Several weeks ago we came to chapter 2 and read these verses:
2 Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. . . 4 But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, 5 that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!)
These verses sparked a great discussion about God's mercy and justice. This discussion came back to me today as I debated what to do and wondered which decision would teach my child the best life lesson. I reflected on God's mercy to me and how I am so grateful that though He is fully just, He is also completely merciful. My desire as a parent is to reflect God's love to my children and I can only do this if I can find a balance between justice and mercy. I am far from perfect, but I am taking baby steps to become less of a Pharisee.
In the end I brought Evan the sandwich and swallowed the lecture that was on the tip of my tongue. I smiled when he thanked me and allowed me to give him a little hug (even though his friends might see!) I don't know that Evan really learned a lesson today, but I am sure that I did.
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